


stone cold, will you miss me?

by trippingtozier



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: M/M, apparently i like hurting my poor babies, buT LIK E I DONT MEAN TO IT JUST HAPPENS, here is said "angsty fanfic", pls read this it's sad uwu, uh my specialty is disappearing for long amounts of time and then coming back with an angsty fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-11-25
Packaged: 2020-01-04 12:16:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 9,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18343514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trippingtozier/pseuds/trippingtozier
Summary: Eddie gathers Richie close. He kisses Richie’s forehead over and over. He’s aware that he’s talking to Richie, but he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He thinks it’s something about how much he loves him. He might be telling Richie not to leave him. He may be begging Richie to hold on.Richie takes his last breath a few minutes later.The room is silent.





	1. one

**Late November, 1988**

 

He listens, and he hears the words, but he doesn’t comprehend them. Not right away at least.

 

_ (“Tumor”) _

 

His body goes numb, but he can’t tell if it’s from shock or the cold winds that blow around them as they stand on Bill’s porch. He absentmindedly wraps his arms around himself, to create a shell. A protective layer. 

 

_ (“Inoperable”) _

 

The whole thing sounds made up, and for a second, he almost tricks himself into believing that this is just a joke. A sick, fucked up joke, but a joke nonetheless. He promises himself that when Richie tells him he was kidding, he’ll beat the shit out of him for this feeling of pure fear.   _ Any second now _ , he tells himself,  _ Richie’s gonna bust out his shit-eating grin and punch my shoulder and tell me ‘I’m just kiddin’ with ya, Eds.’  _

 

_ (“The unexplained headaches”) _

 

Richie’s eyes are serious, though, and the pain in them is real. He stands next to Eddie, not fidgeting for once in his life. A forgotten cigarette is in his right hand, his left is clutching onto the porch’s bannister for support. His knuckles are turning white around the edges from the grip he has to keep himself standing.

 

_ (“Too much intracranial pressure”) _

 

Richie’s face is a mask of calm; a well practiced facade. This is something that he’s known about. The speech is obviously prepared, but the tears he’s holding back are not. Eddie thinks if he was in Richie’s shoes he’d be sobbing, or screaming, or throwing something. Perhaps he’d be doing all three of those things.

 

_ (“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner”) _

 

Eddie doesn’t know how to respond. The gears in his brain are turning painfully slow as they try to understand the words Richie is spewing.

 

_ (“I need your help telling the others, please Eds”) _

 

“How long do you have?” Eddie doesn’t even realize he’s speaking when the words come out. 

 

_ (Please, Rich. Say you’re kidding) _

 

“A month. Maybe a month and a half, but that’s only if I’m lucky.” Richie lets out a dry laugh, “I’ve never been lucky before, though. So why would my luck decide to change now?”

 

_ (Time is running out) _

 

Eddie’s stomach is churning. He feels like he could vomit right here, all over Bill’s white porch. Richie had been telling them for months his headaches were nothing to worry about; he’d say they were caused from needing a new glasses prescription, and then he’d make an ill-timed joke about someone’s mother, usually Eddie’s.

 

_ (There’s not enough time) _

 

“Jesus Eds, you look like you just heard that your best friend is gonna die,” it’s a poor attempt at humor, but it’s Richie’s way of holding it together. 

 

_ (All any of us want is more time) _

 

He smiles at Eddie, and drops the cigarette in his hand. Eddie watches the way the sparks flicker and die as Richie steps on it with the toe of his high-tops. 

 

_ (I need more time) _

 

“It’s gonna be okay, Eds. I’m gonna be okay.”

Richie pulls Eddie into a hug.

 

_ (How can he say that?) _

 

It feels wrong. Eddie should be the one hugging Richie. Eddie should be letting Richie know that it’s okay to break down the tight walls he’s built around his emotions.

 

_ (How is any of this ‘okay’?) _

 

✧


	2. two

Richie tells the rest of the Losers that night as they’re gathered in Bill’s living room. Fatal Attraction has been put on an indefinite pause; Eddie can hear the hum of the VCR from where he’s seated. The sound is oddly comforting. It reminds him of their childhood, when they’d fall asleep watching cartoons or forbidden horror movies that Richie had snuck into his overnight bag.

 

_(Childhood made life seem so innocent)_

 

Eddie sits beside Richie on the couch, staring out the window to his right. It’s starting to snow, the flakes white and pure, covering the ground. The snow is creating a slick layer over the sidewalks and lawns. Street light is reflected across the pavement in polished globes. The reflections are entrancing.

 

_(How can a world with such beauty have such horrible things happen?)_

 

Richie’s fingers drum a melody on his knee as the others try to grasp the bomb that he’s just dropped on them.

 

_(I should hold his hand)_

 

Bill is in shock. He’s sitting in his father’s arm-chair across from Richie, completely frozen, except for some occasional dazed blinking. His mouth is agape, but nothing comes out. No words, or stutters, or cries.

 

_(I want to hold his hand)_

 

Stan bites the inside of his lip, a nervous habit he’d picked up sometime during middle school. His expression is unreadable; it’s a jumble of confusion and sorrow and desolation.

 

_(We can’t imagine a world without Richie)_

 

Ben cries. He tries to sob silently into his shirt, letting his head drop mournfully, but everyone can hear the occasional sniffle he makes. Beverly rubs small circles on his back absentmindedly.

 

_(We’re going to fall apart without him)_

 

Beverly stops rubbing circles on Ben’s back for a moment to grab a pack of cigarettes from her breast pocket. She lights one up between shaky fingers, and inhales it deeply. Bill doesn’t scold her for getting ash on the carpet. Stan doesn’t warn her about lung cancer. Eddie doesn’t freak out about inhaling smoke.

 

_(I’m going to fall apart without him)_

 

Mike is smiling, but it’s a sad smile. Eddie recognizes it as the same mournful smile he wears when he talks about his deceased parents. The forced smile, the one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

_(I’m going to be lost without him)_

 

✧


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while listening to Fire On Fire and it made me s o b :)

Richie climbs through Eddie’s window that night. He’s not himself. That much is very obvious from the deafening silence that fills the small room. He sits cross legged on Eddie’s floor, shuffling through the same pile of records over and over again. Eddie watches Richie’s long fingers go back and forth through the pile; they’re restless, anxious.

 

_ (Tell him to put the records down) _

 

“How are you?” Eddie asks, his voice no more than a whisper. He’s scared to know the actual answer.

 

_ (Really? That’s the best you could come up with, Kaspbrak?) _

 

There’s a slight pause in Richie’s movements, and Eddie swears he sees his back shudder like he’s crying, but he doesn’t look up. He doesn’t put the records down. His finger’s anxious shuffling doesn’t cease.

 

_ (C’mon, try again Eddie) _

 

“Rich?” Eddie watches his hands still over the Paul Simon record he’s holding. “Richie? Are you okay?” Eddie swallows hard to clear the lump in his throat. He feels like an idiot. He’s been best friends with Richie since second grade and words are failing him now.

 

_ (Go over to him you idiot! Wrap your arms around him!) _

 

Richie’s eyes are boring holes into Eddie’s floor. 

“Look Eds, I know you want me to reach deep down and examine my emotional state right now, but it’s not a good time,” Eddie can see the corners of his mouth lift up in a wry smile. “I don’t want Mrs. K to see the tear-tracks down my face when I go in for our 12:30 appointment. That’s a real turn off.”

 

_ (There’s the Richie I know) _

 

Eddie doesn’t have the heart to ‘beep beep’ him.

“We need to talk about it eventually.”

 

_ (I don’t want to talk about it) _

 

“Talk about what? The fact that I have a month to live?”

The cold edge in Richie’s voice when he says those words frightens Eddie. It’s not like Richie to sound so... hardened, so sharp. There’s no hint of his gullible nature.

 

_ (Ouch) _

 

“Yeah. That.”

Richie finally puts down the records and goes to sit next to Eddie on the bed. There’s something in his expression that’s so childlike, so terrified.  He plays with his hands nervously.

“I want to spend every minute of this month with you, Eds. I mean, I want to spend it with all the Losers, but mostly you.”

 

_ (Mostly me?) _

 

“The final month,” Eddie’s voice is shaky, “what’s that gonna be like?”

“I don’t think you’re ready for the truth, Eds.”

“Try me. I’m a big boy, I can handle it.” 

He can’t handle it.

 

_ (Dumbfuck, you don’t want the truth) _

 

Richie sighs, looking down at his hands. “My headaches will get worse. I’ll begin to have trouble talking.” Richie laughs, “Imagine Trashmouth not being able to talk.”

 

_ (I don’t want to imagine that) _

 

“Soon I won’t be able to walk or stand. My vision will begin to get worse. I’ll experience nausea, dizziness, constant pain. If I’m lucky, I’ll eventually just lose consciousness and float away into a cloudy heaven where I get all the girls.”

 

_ (He makes it sound like such a joke) _

 

Richie pinches the bridge of his nose, pinning his glasses to his face. “Don’t tell the others, but the vision and walking problems have already started.”

 

_ (I should’ve noticed sooner) _

 

He meets Eddie’s eyes. He looks calm, but Eddie knows it’s just the well practiced front he’s been putting on. He can see the pure terror behind Richie’s eyes.

“I don’t want you to see me go through this, and I want you to know that you don’t have to stick around Spaghetti Man. I’ll understand.”

Eddie understands now that part of his terror is fear of rejection.

 

_ (I’m not going anywhere, Rich) _

 

“Don’t be stupid. I’m not going anywhere you turd.” In a moment of bravery, Eddie takes Richie’s hands in his. They’ve held hands a million times before, but this time both of them know that it’s for something serious. “I’m going to take care of you.”

 

_ (It’s the least I can do) _

 

Richie’s face softens. “I know you will, Eds.”

 

_ (You’d do the same for me) _

 

✧


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter cuz school is whooping my ass rn

Richie falls asleep laying next to Eddie that night, curled along the smaller boy’s side with an arm loosely slung over him. Eddie can’t sleep, so he runs his fingers through the boy’s unruly hair.

 

_(The feeling that I’m going to lose him…)_

 

He studies Richie’s face. It’s familiar, it’s kind. It’s a face he’s known since elementary school.

 

_(Will I forget what he looks like?)_

 

The unusually dark crescents under his eyes don’t go unnoticed by Eddie. They’re less defined when he’s sleeping, but still extremely visible against his pale skin.

 

_(Will I forget the sound of his voice?)_

 

Eddie doesn’t want to lose him. He doesn’t want to lose this beautiful, dumb boy. He doesn’t want to lose the light in his darkest days. He doesn’t want to lose his best friend, his most loyal confidant. He doesn’t want to lose the person who’s saved him in so many different ways. He doesn’t want to lose the first person he’s ever _loved_.

 

_(Will I forget the way his laugh echoes through a room?)_

 

Worse than the thought of losing Richie is the idea of watching him deteriorate. Seeing his boundless energy trapped in this sinking ship of a body is going to hurt the most. Watching him be reduced to a shell, a ghost will rip Eddie’s heart in two.

 

_(Will he even remember to say goodbye?)_

 

✧


	5. five

They all walk to Mike’s barn after school that Monday. Richie had told them he’d wanted to talk to them about something. Something important. 

 

_ (Please tell us the doctors made a mistake) _

 

Richie sits on a bale of hay, in between Eddie and Bev. Eddie holds Richie’s hand, stroking his thumb absentmindedly over his knuckles in a circular rotation.

 

_ (Tell us we have more time) _

 

Richie clears his throat. “I’ve called you all here today to talk about my impending doom.”

 

_ (Terrific start) _

 

“First of all, I want Pink Floyd to be playing at my funeral, and I want my gravestone to be big. Almost as big as my dick.’”

Eddie almost laughs, although the situation is far from humorous.

“Secondly, I don’t want you all to see me go through all the pain and agony and melodramatic flourishes of death.” Richie’s voice cracks on ‘death’, but Bev doesn’t make fun of him like usual.

 

_ (Unnatural silence) _

 

“W-we d-don’t want to w-watch you g-g-go through that.” Bill’s stutter gives away that he’s upset. “It w-would b-be hard.”

 

_ (No shit, Bill) _

 

“Hard like this dick.” Richie holds out his hand for a high-five, but everyone glares at him. “Bad timing?”

Stan nods, slowly and severely.

Richie clears his throat, breathing deeply. Eddie can feel Richie’s hand get clammy before he speaks. “I need your help with something. But more than your help, I need your approval.”

 

_ (Confusing) _

 

“I need your approval to die.”

 

_ (Upsetting) _

 

Bev is the first one to understand what Richie is asking for. Her strong resolve crumbles. “Richie, no. That’s so much worse.”

 

_ (Oh?) _

 

It hits Eddie like a bus. He knows what Richie’s talking about. His confusion turns to anger, sadness.

 

_ (So much worse is right) _

 

“What, Bev? What’s Richie talking about?” Ben asks like he’s afraid to know.

Bev screws her eyes shut, keeping the majority of her tears in. “Tell ‘em, Rich. I wouldn’t feel right saying it.”

 

_ (Need to punch something) _

 

“I don’t wanna die from this life-sucking tumor, so,” Richie sucks in a breath before continuing, “I’m asking for you guys to help me die on my own terms. I wanna go out with a bang. The Richie way.”

 

_ (This is bullshit) _

 

“Please help me, guys. I’m not asking anyone to shoot me or anything,” Richie faux coughs ‘Mike’ into his free hand. “I just need help getting some pills.”

 

_ (Richard Tozier is a selfish fucker) _

 

Stan’s the first one to speak up. “I’ll help.”

 

_ (Betrayal)  _

 

The rest of the Losers agree, begrudgingly, one by one, until Eddie’s the only one who hasn’t said anything. They eye him hesitantly, not knowing how to interpret his stoney expression.

 

_ (I wish I didn’t speak english) _

 

“Please Eds? Help me, please?”

Eddie can feel Richie’s pleading eyes boring holes into the side of his head, but he refuses to look at him. He knows he’ll go all soft and agree on helping him with this death wish if he takes one look in those beautiful brown eyes.

 

_ (I can’t do this) _

 

“You told me you’d take care of me, and fuck Eds, I need you. I need you now more than ever.”

 

_ (Edward Kaspbrak, don’t you dare agree to this) _

 

Eddie sighs, his strong facade crumbling. “Okay ‘Chee. Okay.”

 

_ (You idiot) _

 

“Thank you.” The smile on Richie’s face is as genuine as the dread in Eddie’s heart.

 

✧

 


	6. six

The two of them leave Mike’s shortly after six and walk to Eddie’s house. They pass Richie’s home on their walk and Eddie wonders. He wonders if Richie’s parents are aware that their only child is dying. He wonders if they’d even show up their son’s funeral. He wonders if they’re going to cry when they find out what’s going on, or if they’re too drunk for genuine emotions. 

 

_ (They don’t deserve him anyway) _

 

“Penny for your thoughts guv'nor,” Richie says as Fancy English Guy. That’s a Voice Eddie hasn’t heard in a while. Eddie actually hasn’t heard any voices in a while. That just now strikes him as uncharacteristic.

 

_ (I’m thinking about the love you never got, but deserve so so much) _

 

“I’m just processing things.”

“Processing the bomb I dropped on you?”

“Maybe.”

 

_ (There are people who love you, Richie) _

 

“Eds, I want to spend my last day alone.”

Eddie’s heart continues to break. It’s unfair of Richie to put him through this much hurt.

 

_ (There are people who need you) _

 

“By alone, I mean alone with Mrs. K. In her big ass bed. With Lionel Richie crooning in the background as we make sweet sweet love.”

 

_ (I need you) _

 

“Beep fucking beep Richard.” Eddie elbows Richie. “Don’t make me think of my mother doing… that… with  _ you _ .”

 

_ (I love you) _

 

“But seriously, by alone, I mean with you,” Richie stuffs his hands into his pockets. “Don’t get me wrong, I love all the Losers so so much, but you're different. You’re my favorite, Eds.”

 

_ (Did you hear that?) _

 

“Alone?”

 

_ (I’m his favorite!) _

 

“Yeah, alone. Just me and you. Is that good with you?”

 

_ (his f a v o r i t e) _

 

“Of course that’s good with me.”

“Cool.”

 

_ (I could kiss him, I’m so happy) _

 

✧


	7. seven

Richie sleeps over at Eddie’s again. Both boys find themselves unable to sleep.

 

_ (I haven’t cried over this yet) _

 

They’re both on Eddie’s bed. Eddie has his back up against the headboard, Richie’s head lays in his lap. Absentmindedly he cards his fingers through Richie’s curls, pulling gently at the tangles.

 

_ (Why haven’t I cried over this yet?) _

 

Eddie’s mind hasn’t fully comprehended that Richie is leaving. That Richie is dying.

 

_ (Richie hasn’t cried over this yet) _

 

He can’t imagine life without Richie. He can’t imagine never hearing one of his obnoxious jokes again, or seeing his soft brown eyes, magnified by the giant coke-bottle glasses he refuses to get rid of. He can’t imagine spending nights alone without Richie beside him, humming in his ear. He can’t imagine school without Richie’s ridiculous notes in chicken scratch handwriting. 

He doesn’t want to imagine.

 

_ (Why hasn’t Richie cried over this yet?) _

 

Eddie looks down at Richie. His eyes are closed, but Eddie can tell he’s not asleep. A brief flash of something graces his features; something Eddie assumes to be pain. He tenses up in Eddie’s lap.

“Headache?”

 

_ (It’s only gonna get worse) _

 

Richie nods.

“Want me to get you some aspirin?”

He shakes his head. Eddie brushes the curls off of his forehead, and Richie softens slightly at the gesture.

 

_ (The pain will just become a part of him) _

  
  


They’d become a hybrid at some point. Richie-and-Eddie. The Losers tease them about their close friendship. When Ben first joined their little group, he automatically assumed they were something more than friends.

 

_ (He was right. Richie is more than a friend) _

 

Once Richie is gone, what will happen to the hybrid? [The boy formerly known as Richie]-and-Eddie doesn’t sound as nice.

Just Eddie sounds even worse.

 

_ (I want him to be more than a friend) _

 

For a moment, Eddie’s angry. He’s angry that Richie’s breaking the hybrid. He’s angry that he’ll have to walk around with a missing half. The pain of losing something you can never get back will be drilled into his heart.

 

_ (Could Richie ever feel the same?) _

 

Mike once called them “hetero life partners.” Richie liked that. He’d laughed and exclaimed “Mikey gets off a good one!”

 Eddie didn’t agree with the ‘hetero’ part of that statement.

 

_ (If I tell you I love you, please say it back) _

 

Richie notices when Eddie’s fingers still in his mess of curls. At first he thinks maybe Eddie’s drifted off to sleep, but when he opens his eyes, he can see him staring blankly at the wall across from them.

“Something wrong, Eds?”

 

_ (When I tell you I love you, please say it back) _

 

“No.”

 

_ (I’m going to tell you I love you) _

 

“You’re a shit liar.”

 

_ (Please say it back) _

 

Eddie could make something up. He could say he forgot about having a quiz tomorrow, or he could tell Richie he’s just tired and overthinking. But he doesn’t want to.

He wants to be honest. 

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you since, like, seventh grade.”

 

_ (There’s no time like the present) _

 

“Yeah?”

 

_ (If my heart beats any faster, I’m going to quite literally die) _

 

“I just wanted to tell you t-t-that I-”

“Jesus, stop mimicking Bill, and just spit it out.”

 

_ (j u s t  s p i t  i t  o u t) _

 

Eddie sucks in a deep breath, and then lets it out. “IjustwantedtotellyouthatIloveyou.”

Eddie claps a hand over his mouth. He really just said that. It came flying out of him without any warning. Without any chance to prepare.

 

_ (I really just said that) _

 

Richie bursts into peals of laughter. Not the reaction Eddie was expecting, but okay.

“Oh Eds, I know.”

 

_ (Huh?) _

 

“I don’t mean in a friendship kind of you’re-like-my-brother way, Rich. I mean it in a I-want-to-kiss-your-stupid-trashmouth way,” Eddie’s face flushes. He knows he should just shut up and pretend like nothing ever happened, but he can’t stop now.

 

_ (Stop. Talking.) _

 

“Like I said, I know. Now you and your mom are gonna have to fight over me, because I don’t know about you, but I’m not into that whole incest kinda thing,” Richie waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

Eddie resists all urges to slap him.

 

_ (this asshole) _

 

“Beep beep Dick. I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”

 

_ (He didn’t say “I love you, too”) _

 

“No no no! For real Eds, I’m glad you did!”

“You’re not freaked out by it? Or disgusted? Or, I don’t know.”

 

_ (He probably hates me now) _

 

“I’m actually relieved that you finally told me.”

“Relieved?”

 

_ (okay) _

 

“Yeah, because now what I’m about to do seems less weird.”

Eddie is lost. “What are you about to-” 

He’s cut off by Richie leaning up on his elbows and kissing him.

 

_ (Oh, wow, this is happening) _

 

His lips are soft, softer than what Eddie had ever imagined. Richie’s kisses are all taking; soft, and sweet, and nothing like his brash attitude. They’re addicting. 

 

_ (BREATHE, Eddie) _

 

Richie is the first to break away. He puts his head back down in Eddie’s lap, closing his eyes once again.

“Headache?”

 

_ (I kissed him) _

 

“Son of a bitch won’t go away.”

 

_ (w o w) _

 

“Aspirin?”

 

_ (I kissed Richie!) _

 

“Can you just hold my hand, Eds?”

 

_ (Why didn’t we do this sooner?) _

 

“Of course, Rich.”

 

_ (We should’ve done this sooner) _

 

✧


	8. eight

Stan holds Eddie while he has an honest-to-god sobbing breakdown a few days later. The dam of all the emotions he’d been suppressing finally breaks.

 

_ (Reality is finally hitting) _

 

He tells Stan about how he feels, about how much he loves Richie, about how angry he is with Richie’s choice to end his life. He whines, and punches pillows, and gets snot all over Stan’s polo.

 

_ (I want to go back) _

 

Stan just listens, and rubs Eddie’s back as he breathes unevenly.

“How long do you think it’ll be before he, you know, decides to call it quits?”

 

_ (I don’t want reality to hit) _

 

Eddie holds his head in his hands. He closes his tear-swollen eyes and leans into Stan’s touch. “I don’t know, maybe two weeks. Could be three. You know how impatient he is.”

 

_ (Richie’s permanent detachment) _

 

“It’s all happening too fast, Stan,” another sob escapes Eddie. “He just noticed his headaches three weeks ago, for fucks sake.”

 

_ (Richie’s eternal disconnection) _

 

“I know, Eddie, I know.”

 

_ (Richie’s unchangeable disengagement) _

 

“It isn’t fair. Why him?”

 

_ (Richie’s unalterable removal) _

 

“Why anyone?”

 

_ (Richie’s indisputable withdrawal) _

 

“But he’s- we need him. I need him,” Eddie stares blankly at Stan, who’s been entirely tranquil during his whole breakdown. He shakes his head. “I should go. Richie’s probably wondering where I am.”

 

_ (Richie’s binding elimination) _

 

Stan smiles sadly at Eddie. “It’s okay to admit it, you know.”

 

_ (Richie’s grand finale) _

 

“Admit what?”

 

_ (Richie’s endmost exclusion) _

 

“That you want to spend as much time alone with him as you can before the end.”

 

_ (Richie’s demise) _

 

Eddie’s upper lip trembles, but he wills himself to not start crying again. “Yeah, okay.” He shrugs his coat on, “Bye, Stan.”

 

_ (Richie’s final destination) _

 

 

“Take care of him, Eddie.”

 

_ (Richie's big goodbye) _

 

✧


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this while watching Dance Moms... I have no regrets

Richie stops going to school. He spends some of his days playing games at the arcade and smoking with Bev when she skips fifth and eighth period. The rest of the time he’s hiding out in Eddie’s room.

 

_ (He’s thin) _

 

He stays with Eddie every night. Neither boy sleeps much.

 

_ (I mean, he’s always been thin, but) _

 

Richie is insistent that no one tells his parents what’s going on. They never cared for him before, why would they start now?

It feels wrong, but Eddie’s going to respect his wishes.

 

_ (His clothes don’t fit right) _

 

Belch Huggins gives Eddie a small brown bag one day after school when no one is looking.

He shoves the bag into Eddie’s hands. “They’re for Richie. He told me to give ‘em to you.”

It’s the only time they’ve had an interaction that wasn’t Eddie getting beat up. Something’s not right about it.

 

_ (Come to think of it…) _

 

Eddie finds out later that pills are in the bag.  _ The _ pills. The ones that will seal Richie’s fate.

He feels like he’s going to be sick.

 

_ (I haven’t seen him eat) _

 

Richie makes Eddie keep the pills in a secret location so that he doesn’t do anything he regrets too soon. 

 

_ (He hasn’t eaten in days, if not weeks) _

 

For a few days, Richie seems no worse. 

Then, Eddie notices that his headaches don’t stop going away with the Aspirins he takes. 

 

_ (The dark circles under his eyes look permanent) _

 

He stumbles now and then, sometimes having to grasp onto Eddie’s arm for balance. He tries to play it off as tripping over a rock, but Eddie can tell he’s lying from his shaky palms.

 

_ (Like they’ve been etched onto his skin) _

 

One night at Bill’s, Eddie finds him throwing up in the bathroom. He’s paler than Eddie’s ever seen, he almost looks translucent. Eddie cleans him up and helps him back to the living room.

He ignores the worried looks the Losers are giving the pair.

 

_ (He hasn’t slept) _

 

That same night Richie forgets how to speak for the first time. He’s in the middle of telling a joke, and right when he gets to the punchline, words fail him. His jaw is moving, but nothing is coming out. His eyes are frightened as he reaches for Eddie.

 

_ (He needs to sleep) _

 

Eddie goes over to where Richie is sitting and puts his arms around him. “It’s okay, Rich. You’re okay.” Eddie’s tearful eyes meet Richie’s panicked ones. “Say my name, Rich. What’s my name?”

 

_ (He needs to live) _

 

Richie takes a deep breath. “You’re Eddie.”

 

_ (God I hate this) _

 

Bill is frowning, Stan is concerned, Mike and Ben are dismayed. Bev sighs. She and Eddie exchange a quick glance.

It’s starting…

 

✧


	10. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's what sonia deserves

Sonia stops Eddie as he’s about to go upstairs to his room, where he knows Richie is waiting. She looks angry.

“I know what you’ve been doing.”

 

_ (Which part of what I’ve been doing?) _

 

Eddie sighs. “What do you mean, Ma?”

 

_ (Do you know that I’ve been helping my dying best friend?) _

 

“You’ve been sneaking that Tozier boy into your room.”

 

_ (Do you know that I’ve been kissing my dying best friend?) _

 

Eddie holds up his hand in defeat. He’s too tired to play his mother’s game. “Yeah, Ma, you caught me.”

 

_ (Do you know that I’ve been in love with my dying best friend for five years?) _

 

“I won’t allow that, Edward.”

“Okay, Ma, it won’t happen again.”

 

_ (You’re a shit parent, just like his mom and dad) _

 

“He’s a horrible boy Eddie-bear, a horrible, filthy boy.”

 

_ (How dare she fucking say that) _

 

“Yeah? Well, he’s also a dying boy, so keep that in mind.”

 

_ (She doesn’t even know him) _

 

Eddie nods his head towards the stairs. “I’d better get upstairs, but you should know that he’s a boy that I love with all my heart. And you should know that I’ve had his tongue in my mouth, so I guess I’m a horrible, filthy boy too, Ma.”

 

_ (There. I said it) _

 

Sonia looks like she might pass out.

 

_ (I’m gonna regret this later) _

 

✧


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY WHATS UP CHAPTER TWO WRECKED ME :) THIS IS GOOD :) I LIKE THIS :) THANK YOU STEVEN KING :)

Richie is sitting on Eddie’s floor, his legs folded under him. A comic book is unopened in front of him. He’s wearing a cocky grin when Eddie walks into the room.

 

_ (Why is he smiling like that?) _

 

He pats the floor next to him, and Eddie cautiously walks over to him. Richie takes Eddie’s hand in his and starts playing with his fingers. 

 

_ (Why is he acting weird?) _

 

“What’s going on, ‘Chee?”

 

_ (What the fuck kind of face is he making now?) _

 

“Does this sound familiar to you: ‘you should know that I’ve had his tongue in my mouth, so I guess I’m a filthy, horrible boy too, Ma’?”

 

_ (Oh god, he heard) _

 

Eddie starts blushing furiously, he stares down at his carpet, refusing to meet Richie’s teasing gaze. 

 

_ (Oh shit) _

 

“I’m so fucking proud of you for standing up to her like that for lil’ ol’ me!”

 

_ (Asshat) _

 

“Shut up, forget I said anything,” Eddie mumbles.

 

_ (Don’t make me completely regret telling my mom that) _

 

Richie puts a finger under Eddie’s chin, forcing him to look up from where he was picking at his carpet threads. “If it makes you feel any better, I love you too Eddie Spaghetti. I love you a whole fucking lot. Maybe even more than I love your mom.”

 

_ (It was sweet until the last sentence) _

 

“Aaaaaand you ruined it.” Eddie shrugs his face out of Richie’s hold, and looks down at their conjoined hands. He leans into the taller boy, letting Richie wrap his free arm around him. 

 

_ (I love Richie) _

 

“I really do love you, Eddie Kaspbrak.”

 

_ (Richie loves me) _

 

“I love you too, dipshit.”

 

✧


	12. twelve

Two days later Richie stumbles while they’re all walking to the Aladdin. He would have fallen if Mike hadn’t reached out to grab him.

 

_ (No,  Rich) _

 

Eddie guides him to a nearby bench, grasping his hand tightly. 

 

_ (I’ve got you, Rich) _

 

Richie’s been scarily quiet the whole day. He’s pale and shaky. 

 

_ (You’re gonna be okay, Rich) _

 

He slumps into Eddie’s side. “I can’t see out of my right eye, Eds. The sight just poofed away about half an hour ago.”

 

_ (I’m not gonna let you fall, Rich) _

 

Eddie holds onto Richie’s sinking figure. “We should go home.”

 

_ (I’ll be your eyes) _

 

“No, I’ll be okay. Let’s just go.”

The other Losers watch this interaction from the sidewalk with various expressions of sadness.

“Let’s just get to the movie.”

 

_ (I don’t like this) _

 

“I wish I could stop this,” Eddie whispers into Richie’s curls. He hopes Richie feels the love radiating from him; the quiet sense of ‘it’ll be okay, I’ll hold onto you’. 

 

_ (In fact, I fucking hate this) _

 

✧


	13. thirteen

They go to the movies, and then they go Richie’s. He needs clean clothes and a shower. Richie hangs onto Eddie as they climb the stairs to his room. They take it one step at a time.

 

_ (He’s gotten worse in just a few hours) _

 

Eddie sits Richie down on the side of the bathtub and starts to help him undress. His pulse is racing, and his skin is burning.

 

_ (I know what’s coming) _

 

“Eddie,” Richie starts.

 

_ (Don’t say it) _

 

“Not yet, please not yet,” Eddie murmurs. He can’t look at Richie so he focuses on running the water until it hits the right temperature. 

 

_ (Please don’t say it) _

 

“It’s time.”

 

_ (Don’t you dare say it) _

 

Eddie looks into Richie’s eyes, begging him silently.

Richie sighs. “Saturday.”

Something about the word is final.

 

_ (It’s too soon) _

 

“Saturday?”

 

_ (Don’t do this to me) _

 

“Saturday is the end.”

 

_ (I have three days) _

 

✧


	14. fourteen

The next day, all of the Losers skip school. Richie’s told them in advance what today will bring.

 

_ (This is going to end badly) _

 

He’s going to tell his parents what’s been going on. He's going to tell them this is goodbye.

 

_ (I can’t watch this) _

 

Wentworth Tozier throws the bottle he’s been grasping and storms out the backdoor, heading to the shed he’s turned into a smoking lounge.

The pieces from the shattered bottle glint on the floor. They remind Eddie of what he thinks his heart looks like; broken, fractured, irreparable.

 

_ (This is painful) _

 

Maggie Tozier cries, but Eddie isn’t sure she’s aware of what exactly she’s crying over. Richie comforts her anyway. He holds her close and tells her that it's okay, she doesn't need to cry over him. 

 

_ (What did he do to deserve this?) _

 

Maggie hugs Richie tightly before they all depart the Tozier residence. She whispers something into her son’s ear that no one catches.

It could be “goodbye,” it could be “I love you”.

 

_ (She’s about to lose her son and she hardly even cares) _

 

The Losers spend the rest of their day playing stupid kids games in the Denbrough’s basement until their parents call them home one by one.

 

_ (How can we act like this is all so normal?) _

 

✧


	15. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y a l l IM FINISHING THIS SOON(ISH) AND WRITING A NEW MAFIA AU >:))))) N IM SUPEEERRR EXCITED SO CHECK IT OUT IF U WANT

They all say goodbye to Richie in their own little ways.

 

_ (I have one day) _

 

Ben weeps and clings to him, he begs Richie to change his mind. Richie hugs him back, and assures him he won’t be in any pain after tomorrow. He refuses to change his mind. 

Richie doesn’t let Ben leave until he’s stopped crying; he insists on telling joke after stupid joke until Ben smiles. Ben wants to stay with Richie and Eddie, but Richie is insistent that he gets the last day alone with Eddie. Eddie promises to call Ben tomorrow and update him hourly.

They all know it’s a promise he’s not going to keep.

 

_ (One day) _

 

Stan is Richie’s next visitor. He’s making an effort to be freakishly cheerful. It’s his way of pretending that everything’s going to be okay. He’s never been good at saying goodbye.

“I got you a new book of jokes since I’m sick of all your old ones about Eddie’s mom,” he says, handing Richie the book.

Richie laughs. “Stan the Man, thanks.”

“I made sure to bookmark the chapter titled ‘jokes for kids 5 and under.’ I’m sure you’ll find those acceptable.”

“How thoughtful. I’ll make sure to practice ‘em on you at the next sleepover we have.”

Stan is biting his lip. He knows there’s not going to be another sleepover with Richie. His face falls a little bit, but he recovers quickly. “I should get going, I told mom I’d help her make dinner tonight.” He looks at Richie for a moment, then leans over and kisses his forehead. “Bye, Rich.”

Richie smiles at the form of affection, his eyes clouding over with tears. “Best of luck, Stan Urine.”

 

_ (Twenty-four hours) _

 

Mike visits next. His voice is thick with unshed tears, and he can’t bring himself to swap good-natured insults with Richie.

“C’mon Mikey boy! Gimme something good; I’ll even take you calling me stupid!”

“You don’t deserve this,” he says.

“No one does, my man.”

“How am I supposed to insult you and call you ‘stupid’ when I know that tomorrow night…” He trails off, looking down at his lap. “I don’t know how you’re doing this.”

“I’m just doing what I have to do.”

Mike resists shouting  _ “but you don’t have to do this!” _ . Eddie knows what he’s thinking without him having to say it.

 

_ (One thousand four hundred and forty minutes) _

 

Bev shows up just after lunch. “Here,” she tosses a paper bag containing cigarettes at Richie. “Smoke with me, dipshit.”

Richie smirks. “Is that an order?”

“Yes.”

“You really know how to make a boy shake, Miss Marsh.”

“You’re an insufferable bastard,” she shoots at him, but she’s smiling.

“And you’re the walking definition of brainlessness,” Richie’s eyes glow as he snaps back at her.

Bev grabs his hand and drags him up off of Eddie’s bed. “Porch, Richard. Smoke. Now.”

Eddie’s glad to see the naturality of this interaction.

 

_ (Eighty six thousand four hundred seconds) _

 

Bill shows up last. Eddie knows Richie asked him to come last so they could discuss some final matters.

They’ve decided that Richie’s going to stay in a motel to actually do the… thing. He doesn’t want anything to be tied back to Eddie. He wants to make it clear that he took the pills himself.

“Big Bill, I need your assurance that Eddie won’t be under any suspicions.”

Bill nods, “Y-y-you have my w-word.”

They talk some more about the fine details, but Eddie tunes them out. He cuddles into Richie’s side, listening to his steady heartbeat. Richie will occasionally squeeze Eddie’s hand, as if he’s reassuring himself that Eddie is still there. At one point Richie addresses Eddie.

“Eds, I’m dying for an advil. Could you grab me some?”

Eddie nods. He knows that this is just a distraction so that he can talk to Bill alone.

As Bill’s leaving, Eddie grabs his arm and pulls him into the kitchen.

“What did he want?” Eddie asks in a hushed tone.

“What d-do you think?” Bill pulls back from Eddie’s grip to slip his coat on. “He w-wanted me to p-promise to l-l-look after you. He knows how hard you’re g-guh-going to take this.”

“Sounds like someone’s a little too sure of his importance.”

“I t-th-think it’s more like someone knows he’s g-got no more t-time for f-f-feigning ignorance.”

 

_ (It’s all boiled down to this) _

 

When Bill’s finally gone, Eddie heads back up to his room. Richie’s eyes are glazed over as he stares at something just behind Eddie’s head.

“You tired, ‘Chee?”

He snaps back to reality. “I’m alright.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay over tonight?”

Richie meets Eddie’s eyes. His gaze softens. “I’m sure, love.”

 

_ (‘love’) _

 

“You could stay over at my place, Eds. Just for tonight. If you wanted?” Richie blinks furiously behind his glasses.

 

_ (He’s never sounded so shy) _

 

“Of course I want to.”

 

_ (He’s never looked so frail) _

 

“I think I’m finally going to sleep tonight.”

 

_ (Richie? Wanting sleep? This is rare) _

 

Eddie grins. “That’s something I never thought I’d hear you say.”

Richie smiles a little. “What else is a guy to do when his job is finished?”

 

_ (...finished) _

 

Eddie’s grin falls away.

 

✧


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost there boys

Eddie changes into something more comfortable at Richie’s house. He borrows a sweatshirt that hangs to his knees, and strips down to his boxers. Then he climbs into bed beside Richie.

 

_ (I can see the writing on the wall) _

 

Richie scoots closer to Eddie’s side, just so that he can rest his head against the shorter boy’s shoulder. 

They lie there for a while, not sleeping, not talking, each caught up in a different train of thought. Eventually Richie drifts to sleep.

 

_ (He can’t be saved, we knew that all along) _

 

Eddie removes his glasses and kisses his forehead. He stares down at Richie’s peaceful face, and can’t find it in himself to look away.

 

_ (We're leavers, cheaters, liars) _

 

He thinks about the fact that in twenty-four hours, he’ll never see this face again. He’ll never hear Richie’s heartbeat as he’s pressed against Eddie’s side. He’ll never feel Richie’s sleepy breathing fan over him. 

He’ll never this, and he’ll never that. 

The thoughts rush at Eddie, crashing into his mind one by one by one.

 

_ (None of us are saints) _

 

Eddie doesn’t sleep. He can’t. He just watches Richie. He watches the rise and fall of his chest, and pushes away the thought that soon enough his body won’t move like that anymore.

 

_ (You were supposed to be different) _

 

Eddie hates the universe. He hates Bill Denbrough for introducing them. He hates the doctor that diagnosed Richie. He hates Richie for being so interesting; always drawing Eddie in with a smile, or a tease.

 

_ (You were my one exception) _

 

He wishes he could’ve met a nice, boring best friend, who wasn’t leaving him like this.

 

_ (I was just the fool that fell for you) _

 

Eddie re-thinks that last part. He takes it back.

He wouldn’t trade life with Richie for anything.

 

_ (I hope the sound of my heart tearing in two doesn’t wake him) _

 

✧


	17. seventeen

Richie seems better in the morning. He seems more aware of his surroundings.

Today is the day.

 

_ (His last day) _

 

“What do you want to do today?”

 

_ (I’ll do anything) _

 

Richie stares at Eddie with soft, sleepy eyes. He takes in the way the morning sun makes Eddie’s cheeks glow. “I just want to be with you.”

 

_ (You’re with me now) _

 

Richie turns his head to look out the window. It’s snowing, the tiny flakes creating a soft pattern on the windowsill.

“Spaghetti, there are three things in this world that I really care about. I want to say goodbye to each of them. The first is obviously the Losers, and I took care of that yesterday. The second is my parents, and I’ve been there, done that,” he pauses, smiling up at Eddie. “Now I want to say a proper goodbye to the third.”

 

_ (Only three things) _

 

Eddie fidgets. “What’s the third?”

 

_ (I know what I want the third to be) _

 

Richie starts to answer, but Eddie stops him. “I swear to God, if you say it’s my mom, I’m leaving.”

Richie laughs, but it’s a lot weaker than his usual laugh. “Eddie Spaghetti, surely you know you’re the third.”

 

_ (I’m the third) _

 

✧


	18. eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to a request, i will, in fact, take pity on my favorite gays & give them a reunion scene in heaven 0:D  
> (Or not heaven, but whatever u all believe in.. i'm not religious, so it doesn't rly matter to me lol)

They find a motel, just outside the edge of Derry. It’s grungy, and Eddie can’t stop thinking about how many germs are floating around it, but Richie says it’s perfect.

The girl at the desk gives them the key to the quietest room, as requested. She could give less of a fuck as to what they’re doing.

 

_ (He’s wearing his ACDC shirt) _

 

Richie flops on the rickety bed in the motel room, pulling Eddie down with him.

 

_ (He has that stupid yellow Hawaiian shirt over it) _

 

“Are we going to talk about it?”

 

_ (He has his paint stained jeans on) _

 

“About what?”

Eddie scoffs. “The fact that you’re going to die tonight.”

 

_ (There’s a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket) _

 

“It’s not a big deal, Eds. Try not to think about it.” He looks at Eddie, who’s trying with all his might not to cry. With the pads of his fingers he traces the side of Eddie’s face gently. “I didn’t think there’d be anyone who missed me. My parents barely knew I existed, half the school hated me thanks to Bowers, I was always obnoxious to you and all the Losers.”

 

_ (He’s wearing those stupidly large glasses) _

 

Eddie can see the tears forming in Richie’s eyes. “You’re gonna miss me though, right Eds?”

 

_ (His curls are long, longer than they’ve ever been) _

 

“Until the day I die, Rich.”

 

_ (This is how I want to remember him; human, and real, and very much alive) _

 

✧


	19. nineteen

The day creeps into night.

 

_ (I knew how this was going to end all along) _

 

He knows what’s coming when Richie untangles himself from Eddie’s hold. He pushes himself to the edge of the bed, ignoring the smaller boy’s pleading eyes.

“I need to get the pills, Eds.”

 

_ (You let me fall in love with you) _

 

Eddie’s heart turns to ice, his head starts to pound. “Now?”

 

_ (You took my heart) _

 

Richie’s voice is calm. “It’s been long enough.”

 

_ (You took my soul, you asshole) _

 

He walks into the bathroom to fill a plastic cup with water. The pills are in his back pocket. Eddie considers taking them and running, but he doesn’t. He stays in the bed, carefully watching Richie’s moves.

 

_ (You took my childhood) _

 

Richie walks back to the bed. He’s staring at Eddie.

 

_ (You changed my life) _

 

Eddie beckons for Richie to come back to him.

He wraps his arms around Richie, and watches as he takes the pills out of his pocket. Richie holds the pills, but makes no move to take them.

 

_ (Whoever said ‘love is blind’ was right) _

 

Richie puts the water down on the nightstand and leans into Eddie’s hold, putting his chin on top of the younger boy’s head.

“I don’t mind dying… I regret it, though, because of you. I regret the pain this is gonna cause you, Eds.”

 

_ (I’ve kissed your lips, and held your hand) _

 

Eddie is trying to memorize Richie’s voice.

“I really thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you, ‘Chee.”

 

_ (I’ve shared your dreams, I’ve shared my bed) _

 

Richie sighs a little. “I guess that makes me the lucky one.”

 

_ (I know you too well) _

 

“Lucky? How?”

 

_ (I’m addicted to you) _

 

“I get to spend the rest of my life with you.”

That breaks down Eddie’s wall of resolution.

 

_ (Goodbye, my love) _

 

He feels Richie’s hands holding his face as he cries, his fingers try to wipe away some of Eddie’s tears. Eddie feels helpless.

“I’m so sorry, Rich. I should’ve kept you safe.”

 

_ (Goodbye, my friend) _

 

“You couldn’t have kept me safe Eds, even if you tried.” He rests his forehead against Eddie’s. Eddie grabs onto Richie’s wrists. “Eddie Kaspbrak, I love you.”

 

_ (You have been the one for me) _

 

“I think I’ve always loved you, Richie. Even when I said I hated you.”

 

_ (I was a dreamer, but now I’m awake) _

 

Richie nods. He releases Eddie and picks up the water.

“I told Bill and Stan to pick you up in an hour. Bev’s gonna be the one to call the police and claim she found me.”

 

_ (I think you took all my dreams) _

 

He meets Eddie’s eyes once more, and then he swallows the pills with the water before he can change his mind. Richie sets the cup down.

 

_ (As you move on, remember me) _

 

Eddie pulls Richie down so that his head is on Eddie’s lap. He keeps a hold of Richie’s hand.

 

_ (Remember us) _

 

“Eddie…” His name is pained and small coming from Richie. “I wasn’t ready for this.”

 

_ (I’ve seen you cry) _

 

“I’m here, Richie.”

 

_ (I’ve seen you smile) _

 

“I’m terrified, Eds.”

 

_ (I’ve watched you laugh) _

 

Richie’s so thin; Eddie’s arms encircle him completely.

“Just relax, breathe.”

 

_ (I’d spend a lifetime with you) _

 

“Eds, I don’t want to leave you.”

 

_ (I know your fears) _

 

“I don’t want you to go,” Eddie tilts his chin up to look at the ceiling. He’s trying to hold the tears back. He’s afraid that if he starts crying, he won’t ever stop.

 

_ (And you know mine) _

 

“Eddie,” Richie’s voice is dopey, he can’t get his arms to work. He wants to see Eddie’s face. “Need to see you, Eds.”

 

_ (I love you, I swear that’s true) _

 

Eddie looks down at the quickly deteriorating boy in his arms. Richie is shaking.

“You can see me, Rich. I’m not going anywhere. Just breathe and look at me, okay?”

 

_ (I cannot live without you) _

 

Richie does what Eddie asks. His eyes flicker over Eddie’s face. He focuses on each of his features, trying to memorize the face of the boy he loves.

 

_ (I held your hand in mine) _

 

Eddie kisses Richie, gently. He holds him close, pressing their foreheads together. Richie kisses Eddie back, using the last of his strength.

“I’m always gonna love you, Eds.”

 

_ (I’ll dream about you) _

 

Richie takes a few deep breaths. His eyes tremble shut. 

 

_ (No) _

 

Eddie gathers Richie close. He kisses Richie’s forehead over and over. He’s aware that he’s talking to Richie, but he doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

He thinks it’s something about how much he loves him. He might be telling Richie not to leave him. He may be begging Richie to hold on.

 

_ (You’ve left me hollow) _

 

Richie takes his last breath a few minutes later.

The room is silent.

 

_ (No. No. Come back) _

 

Eddie stares down at his face. This can’t be real.

 

_ (Come back, ‘Chee) _

 

He sobs over Richie’s body.

 

_ (Don’t leave me) _

 

Stan and Bill are there. Eddie doesn’t know when they got there. He doesn’t know how long it’s been.

They lean over Eddie, Stan is crying.

 

_ (Take me with you) _

 

They have to pry Eddie away from Richie. He kicks and pushes at Bill, he screams profanities and threatens anything he can think of. He’d do anything to stay with Richie. Anything.

Stan coaxes Eddie out of the motel room when he’s weak from sobbing and shrieking. He holds onto him as they drive away. 

 

_ (Don’t take me from him) _

 

Eddie feels nothing.

 

✧


	20. twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was so hard for me to write

Richie’s funeral is well attended. This surprises Eddie.

 

_ (You can’t hear me cry) _

 

People always said they couldn’t stand him. They always said they wished he’d just disappear and take all of his obnoxious jokes with him.

 

_ (It’s so quiet without you) _

 

His parents are there, sitting quietly in the back. Maggie has the same blank stare on her face that Eddie wears now days. He feels terrible, knowing the pain she's going through, but he can't bring himself to go grieve with her. Richie never got the love he deserved from his parents.

The Losers are being treated as grieving widowers; everyone’s apologizing and asking what they can do to help them get through this painful time. Eddie wishes they would stop. He just wants to go back to pretending everything's okay.

 

_ (I stole your sweatshirts) _

 

Eddie is supposed to give his eulogy, but he ends up crying too hard to finish it. The parts he got through talked about Richie’s brilliance, his jokes, the love he had for his friends, and the way he made Eddie feel alive.

Mike has to help Eddie walk away from the podium.

 

_ (I couldn’t breathe for a week after you died) _

 

He can’t bring himself to watch Richie’s coffin get lowered in the ground. Instead, Bev holds him as he sobs in the Denbrough’s backseat.

He pretends he doesn’t see the pitying gazes everyone shoots him. He pretends he doesn’t hear the whispers. He pretends Richie's going to show up with a smile on his face and joke ready to go.

 

_ (It hurts) _

 

 

 

Richie leaves the Losers everything. There’s not much, but what there is, they cherish.

 

_ (Last night I had a nightmare) _

 

Stan gets all of Richie’s comic books. He laughs at the editorial comments Richie left in the sides of them.

 

_ (You used to hold me when I’d have them) _

 

Mike gets the superman figure Richie kept on his nightstand. He doesn’t care that it’s missing a hand from the time Richie left it on the stove top.

 

_ (You weren’t there to hold me) _

 

Bev chooses to keep Richie’s worn jean jacket. It reminds her of their time spent behind the school smoking.

 

_ (I cried) _

 

Ben wants Richie’s school notebooks. An odd thing to choose, but Ben says he’d always enjoyed the cartoons Richie would draw in the margins.

 

_ (Sometimes I can almost see you) _

 

Bill gets Richie’s mixtapes and records, minus one labeled “Spaghetti Man Boogies”. He keeps them next to the box of Georgie’s crayon scribbles.

 

_ (If I close my eyes, and think back hard enough, I can hear your laugh) _

 

And Eddie? Well Eddie gets the box Maggie Tozier found under Richie’s bed. Richie had written “EDS” on it in his sloppy lettering.

 

_ (I want to tell you) _

 

In it is all of Richie’s band shirts, the glasses he’d worn until eighth grade, and a letter.

 

_ (One last time) _

 

**_Eddie Spaghetti,_ **

**_My little asthmatic, I knew from the minute I saw you, yelling at Bill for not washing his paper cut, that you were the one for me. I don’t know what it was about you. You’re just so damn cute, cute, cute. I can’t get enough of ya, Eds. You know that song Eddie My Love? It was definitely made for you._ **

**_I don’t know what I’m going to miss more about life: you or making love to your mom. It’s about a fifty-fifty. There’s something about Mrs. K that gets me all riled up. (I know you’re probably reading this and wishing you could kill me. HA jokes on you, I’m already dead.) (Too soon?)_ **

**_In all seriousness, Eds you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It hurts me that days and years and centuries will pass before I can watch your eyes open in the morning, all lazy and sparkly. I’ll have to wait to make you smile again, and to see the little crinkle in your nose. I won’t be able to count the freckles on your cheeks, or watch you blush when I say something erotic about someone’s mom. I love you. I love you so much. Please know that even though I’m terrible at expressing emotions, not a single day will go by where I don’t think about how much I love you and I swear to you that I will be with you, no matter what. Every step of the way._ **

**_My darling Eds, one day I’m gonna be with you. One day I'm going to hold you close and never let you go. I'm going to pinch your cheeks, and call you 'cute' and there's nothing you can do about it._ **

**_One last time,_ **

**_I love you._ **

**_From,_ **

**_your Trashmouth <3_ **

 

The letter is the one thing Eddie treasures most in all the world. He can see the spots where Richie had pressed the pen into the paper too hard. 

Eddie traces over the heart he’d signed off with.

He holds the part that says “I love you” close to his chest. 

He breathes deeply, and for the first time in a while he feels safe. Safe in the only the way Richie could make him feel. 

And he knows that Richie really will be with him every step of the way.

And he loves him.

  
  


_ (To my only Trashmouth in the world) _

 

_ (I love you) _

 

✧


	21. twenty one

It was seventy-nine years since Eddie had seen Richie. Seventy-nine years without his smile. Seventy-nine years without his laugh. Seventy-nine years without his kisses. Seventy-nine years, yet Eddie hadn’t forgotten a single thing about the beautiful boy who’d stolen his heart. 

 

Death had become something he did not fear- right after Richie’s death, he began to pray for it: there was nothing left for him, no reason to get up and prevent the cloud of gloom. Eventually, though, he made up for the wasted years of his life. He learned how to breathe without the weight pressing down on his heart, he remembered what it was like to be loved by his Losers, and in return love them. 

 

It had been seventy-nine years without Richie, and Eddie was ready. He was ready to move on from the life he’d known. His old body ached, it longed for rest, and Eddie was finally ready to give it what it wanted.

 

He let the light guide him. It took his hand and led him through the door, releasing him gently. As it left, and as he watched it go, he found that the terrible weight in his bones seemed to be gone. He could feel the youth take over his body; the freedom he once knew slowly returned, leaving him airy.

 

_ (I’m still me) _

 

There was a door. A single door, with a shimmering gold handle, and from inside there was a laugh. The one laugh Eddie knew he’d never forget.

 

_ (He’s still him) _

 

He shoved open the door and walked in. There was a couch, like the one that was in young Bill Denbrough’s living room, and a television screening Tootsie. A curly head was poking over the couch, thrown back, laughing. It seemed to sense Eddie’s presence in the room.

 

_ (Richie) _

 

“Is that you, Stan the Man?” he asked, not turning around. He was wearing the clothes he’d worn on that fateful day. The clothes Eddie had tucked in a box and shoved in the back of his closet. “Took ya’ long enough to make the damn popcorn. Did you add extra butter?”

 

_ (My Richie) _

 

“Too much butter will give you high cholesterol, you know,” Eddie said. His voice was softer than he remembered. “It’s me,” he whispered. “Eddie.”

 

_ (My love) _

 

Richie straightened up very slowly. He pushed his glasses up, and breathed in deeply before turning around. He stared at Eddie without speaking.

 

_ (Seventy-nine years and not a thing has changed) _

 

He had the same thin face, sparkling brown eyes, high cheekbones. The same constellations of freckles. He looked so much more like Richie than the last time Eddie had seen him. There was color in his cheeks, and he didn’t look so breakable anymore.

 

_ (The feelings are still there) _

 

“Did you miss me, ‘Chee?” There was hesitation when Eddie spoke, the old nickname feeling weird on his lips. 

 

_ (It’s not like him to be so quiet) _

 

“You’re here,” Richie whispered, finally. “You’re real.”

 

_ (I’m here) _

 

With shaky legs, Richie stood, tentatively taking steps towards Eddie until he was holding the smaller boy’s face between his hands. Then he kissed him. He kissed him like never before. At his lip’ touch, Eddie blossomed for him like a flower. Everything began and ended with Richie.

 

_ (He’s here) _

 

Parting, Richie pressed their foreheads together. “You came for me. You came back to me.”

 

_ (We’re here) _

 

“I’ve waited to be with you for so long, Rich. I’ve missed you so much.”

 

_ (And just like that, we’re one) _

 

“I hated leaving you. I hated our goodbye,” Richie sobbed softly. Eddie reached up to wipe away the tears.

 

_ (The puzzle is complete) _

 

“Don’t think of that now,” Eddie laughed quietly. “There’s no more goodbyes. There’s just me and you.”

 

_ (Me and him) _

 

“I love you, Rich. I’ve loved you for so  _ so  _ long it’s crazy.”

“And now you’re stuck with me. Spaghetti, my love, I can’t begin to tell you how much I love you,” Richie refused to let go of Eddie, holding him as close as possible. “‘M going to love you, Eds. I’m going to love you forever, and that’s a promise.”

 

_ (And we’ll live, happily ever after...) _

 

Whatever his soul was made out of was forever intertwined with Richie’s, and for as long as he had a say in it, it would remain that way. 

For the first time in seventy-nine years, Eddie Kaspbrak was peaceful. His essence burned bright with serenity, his heart burst with love.

For the first time in seventy-nine years, Eddie Kaspbrak was home.

 

_ (The end) _

 

✧


	22. AUTHORS NOTE & PLAYLIST

a/n:

hellooo and thank u so so so much for reading my shitty writing!!!! I hope u enjoyed it, or at the very least didn’t completely hate it. If u hated it, that’s cool too, I’m fine w every1’s opinions 

Basically this is a playlist of songs that I listened to while writing so if u want to go back & reread this & be even MORE emo, have fun. Go wild!! 

 

╔═════ ∘◦ ⛧ﾐ ◦∘ ══════╗

　                              Playlist 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　

╚═════ ∘◦ ミ⛧ ◦∘ ═════╝

 

~ It’s Ok : Tom Rosenthal

~ Vienna : Billy Joel

~ Not In That Way : Sam Smith 

~ Rivers and Roads : The Head and The Heart

~ The Night We Met : Lord Huron

~ Ghost Of You : 5 Seconds Of Summer

~ Let’s Hurt Tonight : OneRepublic

~ Your Shirt : Chelsea Cutler

~ Medicine : Daughter

~ Ocean : Elsa & Emilie

~ Turn to Stone : Ingrid Michaelson

~ Young And Beautiful : Lana Del Ray 

~ Heroes : Peter Gabriel

~ I Can’t Fall In Love Without You : Zara Larsson

~ Stay With Me : Sam Smith

~ Consequences : Camila Cabello

~ Ava : Famy

~ Dynasty : MIIA

~ Tiny Dancer : Elton John

~ Lost Without You : Freya Ridings

~ Bella's Lullaby : William Joseph

~ Silence : Grace Carter

~ Back To You : Selena Gomez


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